It's funny how the world works and sometimes it doesn't and it seems to almost mock you. Like "I'll create desires you can never fulfill". You wake up in the morning, remind yourself that is how it is going to be, you can't change it and you go about your daily business.
I don't think people like me very much. I don't like them all that much. It seems they are either much more successfull or much dumber then me: they don't have time for me or I don't need their babble. It was pretty much always thus. I remember as a kid going to church and the people. Wall to wall people. All they ever did was be people and I just wanted to go in a cornor and hide. Not surprisingly my fondest memories were at the local railroad club riding the electric locomotive up and down the track. Sometimes it was late at night, it was pitch black, no civilization you could see except for this one lone trolley track. Nobody said much of anything: just ring the bells, notch up the controller and ride the 60 ton rumbling machine to end of track and back...that gave you something to DO and you didn't have to actually BE anybody.
So much for spiritual growth. Not.
For the past decade now I have been caregiver for my Mother and at times I can't hardly leave the house. I can communicate via computer and I have been doing so; starting on a BBS with a IBM XT and a 1200 bps modem - now Pentiums and AMC K-6s I build myself using 56000 bps modems on the InterNet. I met loads of people: kids, adults, some accross the street, some far away. At times it was so much fun! I played games with the teenages, flirted with the girls, locked horns with the crazies, spouted my philosophies with the best. But it never lasted. They come and go. They leave. It gets dull. It gets very cold. Each time I wonder why I ever got involved in the first place.
Mayby I was born to be numb. Brrrr.
The Spirit Web Chat (www.spiritweb.org) is now dead. Sysop went on to other things. Who knows (or cares) where the users drifted off to. Well I do still contact a few of them. In between the fun and fights I perceived some had much more to give then they let on. I boasted everything thing I said there had a potential half truth or hidden meaning. You could go as deep as you wanted or if you didnt want to that was okay too. Because I realize, as I stated at the beginning of this post, some things just don't seem to function very well. So distance is good and your best protection. Naught but a handfull will ever realize your inner sanctum.
Still I can't escape the enigma that any quest for spirituality seems to require some person around. Are the two tied together? For whatever it is worth I will try to check the chat chamber here every day at about 8 PM.
In between giving Mother her prune juice and filling her hot water bottle . *sigh* .
as students of mysticism we must ever remember our first lesson: as above so below; the order of the cosmos is mirrored in the largest and smallest things. when things don't go right I should move on the something I DO understand and apply the lessons there because all paths will lead to the same goal.
