I cant believe I made it this far. Not to gloat or feel smug; I have much to do to feel any sense of achievement. I don't feel a lot of pride in myself yet - just a measure of vindication.

How do we teach kids to think in the long run? Especially when it entails suffering or sacrifice? "Repeat after me: I will carry my cross to the bitter end". Sure we will! Do your homework and some day you too will become a martyr.

Why bother if it is going to end poorly?

I have searched for a simple answer and found none. I have only observed the obvious: putting your life and light under a hood gets you nowhere. You get nothing and even what you have will be snatched away from you.

Still I have wondered why it is worth dieing just to be something your heirs can be proud of.


Maybe that is the catch: you don't realize life until it is lost or near lost. Maybe we do a dis-service to teach kids to make commitments they don't understand. Or teach them to achieve success at all costs that wont last them past a few turns of the season. Life WILL go on in ways we cant know in our youth.

I keep telling myself I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. I knew it. So what if every bit of advice I was told was a lie? I still had one reliable source of truth and I ignored it. I should have known better and I did.

I resolve in 2004 to listen to my conscience even more then ever. And also to listen to my friends on how they solved their problems. I don't think anybody can tell you what to do - only how to go about doing it after YOU decide what it right.


>George HAPPY NEW YEAR