It funny how life works and some times you wind up sharing your home and your very being with someone you really didnt plan on being with constantly. The place can really take a phychological beating: your museum quality collection butts up against dirty old momentoes of a family you never much knew or even wanted to. This can happen if your room mate is a renter, brother sister or friend.
Or even your own Mother.
In the latter case old age adds the finale insult. Everything about you is dynamic and your property reflects this even as your Mother's stuff is old frayed and seemingly very useless.
Rather like Mother you think.
Then one day you hear a *thump* and rush to investigate and take one look and realize THIS IS IT. The paramedics cant help and knew it was coming anyways and you arnt really surprised when they say: "she didn't make it".
Some might think it a sacriledge to start tossing out the stuff immediately. But as Mystics we appreciate life, not as a burden, but as a goldmine for experience. I know what I went thru and I dont need to see her sweaters, blankets, hot water bottle, crossword puzzle books ect to remind me of that. Indeed every little intimate thing that was hers screamed out: "George I cant breath I need air I need prunes I need soup I need enema Help Help Help me Please ...".
She wont be needing any of this any more. She isnt coming back. My 24 hour a day job has ended. Now I can get my life back again.
The valuable or historical things go to friends who helped or relatives who know the story behind all this. Thrift Stores get the recyclable. The trashman gets a big haul this week though. Because she isnt coming back. I am sorry it didnt last longer. I was willing keep it going as long as possible and I did. More then a decade.
But now the stuff is tainted with agony and dispair. It needs to be tossed. Mother is NOT in pain. She was NEVER abandoned. It is just that she isnt coing back.
George,
Your mother appreciates everything you have done for her. Iam sure she has looked in on you from time to time to try to comfort you as you have tried to comfort her in her later years. I , wish you the best in getting on with your life.
Bless you.
Gary
George,
I want to extend to you my sympathy for your great loss. Your mother has gone through transition or a higher initiation, and is now in the Cosmic with God and the Cosmic Masters. May she rest in peace. So mote it be.
as it is now there isnt a lot to suggest my Mother lived here very recently. alas the hurt cant be tossed as easily as the junk. I do have a container of pineapple sherbert in the refrigerator. I cant eat it myself. I could carefully clean and dry the container and use that for the "keepsakes". even a seagull feather has very special meaning to me because of the shared memories.
this is what bugs the archeologists. I have jewelry and photos and some art-antiques but it was the most common things I shared with my Mother that can only be represented by what at first glance is only trash. that "trash" is what kept us going daily and that is least likely to be saved. It deserves some place in my life if nothing else because it is such an enigma.
A little late for this.
My condolences to you for the passing of your Mom.
That was the toughest life marker you will have to experience.
It doesn't seem so bad when our own turn rounds the bend.
All I can say is that she is COMPLETELY OK.
It is you that has to carry on and heal.
Mourning and healing will progress in waves.
Some of the Mystic authors and their Absolute Truths are full of crap.
Discovery of the "True Self" or annihilation of your desires does not absolve you of your worldly pain.
Even some of us advanced Mystics will suffer from time to time.
My own ego bugging me here...
I don't think I'm an advanced Mystic quite yet.
But then, who's to judge that hmmm?
I just assumed that living as long as I have
automatically awarded me the esoteric Blue Belt.
The interesting thing about the Mystical experience in Grandma's passing
(thank God)
was my change in perception of Time.
If I were to observe the pendulum of the grandfather clock,
I would be on its time.
As soon as I passed by the pendulum,
it slowed down!
I was on my own time,
it was on its own time,
and the gulf between it and I, was Infinity!!!
Everything has intrinsic time.
Everything is on its way to Somewhere...
It's funny how the world works and sometimes it doesn't work the same at all times. Stress or calamity heightens our senses for better or for worst. A love lost - such as the death of a pet or family member - rips a part of us away just as surely as the thing itself perished. Only after a long time do we realize it was more the birth of a new part of US; a part created by love and need that we didnt appreciate untill it was gone.
How sad that the true worth of things are measured more by their absense and the grief it causes! Time seems to stand still untill the pain resides and for the rest of our lives we remember each little detail after ....... died. Sleep and dullnest are elusive just at a time when we need them the most!
I guess that is the silver lining to pain. You go thru a temporary altered state and it is a lesson learned. Hopefully next time it won't take a disaster the get your senses going in hyperdrive. But in the meantime each minute, each second hurts and hurts and all you can do is say: "so this is what it feels like to loose ........" "I always wondered". "Now I know how it feels".
It's a pure emotion and a good release.
I'll bet Christmas (Yule~Winter Solstice
(The Virgin Goddess giving birth to the God...))
is going to be tough for you this year.
what ?! nonsense! I'll just punch in early Christmas eve and turn on pretty lights for an hour and reminiscence on a half century of Christmas past (even if half of them were failures anyways) and then turn out lights and cry for about 37.5 minutes and then pig out on Trader Joes Pepper Cashews and punch out well before midnight and get some sleep. Next day (Christmas Day) I can visit friends I had to neglect for the past three years and enjoy my new (if somewhat scary) life.
I might punch in the next day for a half hour and sit on Mothers bed (since I havnt actually rearranged anything there) and beat myself up for allowing the inevitable to happen then punch out and visit my brother. No use feeling sorry for myself ever there: my brother has his share of problems NOW to over come and I can't help him much when I am just recovering myself.
Then there is my on-line eBay estate sale: I can conserve water by washing everything beforehad with my own tears. What I decide to keep depends on what inside information I can gleam from my relatives in Florida. That is sure to bring a gasp or two. "I had no idea that happened" Mother and Dad never told me" I sure want to keep that for a momento!".
And anytime day or night I can just chuck it all and go out for fresh fruitcake! I havnt had so much freedom in years! I can do what ever I want to now!
......except think straight......*sigh* ......I am not ready for full time yet. I think you should defintely go part time or temporary for the first few months. After you accumulate the requisite number of hours pushing your emotions up to the breaking point you can collect your dues marked PAIN IN FULL and go on with your life.
Sanity is it's own reward. I know it is there. I can see it in the others even if it is just beyond my reach for now.