In most ways, it is fruitless to speculate what things would be like if they weren’t like they are. Even the question sounds absurd. But I find myself wondering how much more difficult my circumstances are because I have chosen the path I am on. If I think back on a time before I recommitted myself to the Rosicrucian path, it seems that things were easier. Albeit, I didn’t quite have the inner resources I have developed in the meantime. But I guess that’s the way it works. You develop more inner resources - i.e. more capacity to withstand hardship - and then you are tested and given a heavier load.

The office politics where I work are nastier and subtler than anywhere I have ever worked before. I am the breadwinner for a wife and three kids. This combination creates some psychological pressure. I know this isn’t unique. It’s the modern urban condition.

When I started here in May, I fought with my nerves to the point where I had serious indigestion for several days. That’s when I got to the point in the monographs where health (sleep, balance of energies) is dealt with. It came at just the right time. I sometimes feel like I wouldn’t have survived the summer without the practices I learned. Interesting. So many Rosicrucians say they learn exactly what they need precisely when they need it. I certainly got just “what the doctor ordered”.

I’m struggling with my fears. I’m dealing with issues that go all the way back to my youth. A year ago I was proud of myself if I managed to meditate daily. Now I am withdrawing to my internal refuge three times a day and more, because I need to. You can’t get much done, and you can’t think clearly, unless you can calm yourself, and feel confident that inspiration is coming from within.